Finding Me

 Good Morning, 

    Have you ever woke up and wondered who you are? I mean aside from the labels, Mom, Sister, Daughter, Therapist (insert career here), etc... Who are you really? Why are your favorite things, your favorite things? As I was contemplating this, I was reminded of the Runaway Bride (one of my favorite movies), where she didn't even realize what eggs she actually like. She had just went with whatever the current fiancé liked and that was her favorite. (I may have written about it before.) 

    In December, I just decided to up and move, no plan (now, I know I have written about this before), and that was definitely unlike me. I started trying to decide where to move to. I wanted snow....yeah I know, crazy, right, but I really missed it. I didn't have snow in my life until I moved to Canada at 17 and fell in love with it. Yes it is cold, yes it needs to be shoveled, and yes most people can do without it, but I knew I wanted it. I also knew, (this will be the California girl in my), that I needed Ocean close by, and that left out all of the middle states, most of the northern and southern states. It was either stay on the West Coast or move to the East Coast. This is the first step to Finding Me. I will always be a California girl at heart but I fell in love with the East Coast while living in Canada. I chose the East Coast. 

    The questions about who I am and who I really am have been bothering me for awhile. Now that my kids are mostly all grown up and need me less and less. No I have no excuse but to focus on myself. For 13 years I have mostly protected myself from myself. Making decisions for my family became hard, because the one decision I did make, hoping for a different outcome than the one that happened, left our family divided. I definitely never saw us actually getting divorced, and yet, that is exactly what happened. I never thought for a second, he would never see his children again, but that is exactly what happened. I loved my husband, and the second that was over, I, without even realizing it, put up walls and boundaries that were hard for people to cross. A couple did, friends who I adore. More recently though, I dated a guy, (who shall remain nameless here), who made me never want to date again, and never want to date a pastor again for sure. The emotional rollercoaster that this guy put me through, was enough to last me a lifetime. As a therapist in training, you would have thought that I would have recognized all the signs, but, no, I didn't want to see them, so I didn't. Friends did, but I excused him because of a brain tumor he had removed, leaving a hole in his brain, but really even that can only excuse so much. I mean, it does explain a lot, but not all. Plus, even if the whole in his brain was the cause of his meanness, did I really want to live a life where I would be dodging verbal bullets and emotional manipulation for the rest of my life. The answer was no. To make a long story short, our last and final fight was a doozy and I knew then it was the end of our relationship and there would be no friendship coming out of this traumatic experience. ( I will do a blog on this later, it will be definitely therapeutic for me). The point is that after the failed marriage, the category 5 hurricane storm of a relationship, I had definitely lost me and wrapped myself in a bubble where no one could hurt me. 

I do like this sweater I am wearing. 

    In the last week, I have been on a mission to Find Me. Even the Nora Roberts, book I am reading, is about a girl who is finding herself. I didn't just see a little of myself in her, I saw a lot of myself in her. I dress, the way I think people feel like I should, not that I would be wearing mini skirts and tops that showed my belly anyway, but what would I choose if I was just choosing for me and not what I thought I should be wearing? This realization came to me when I realized I was pushing my daughter to dress in what I thought, was better for her. Okay, not okay. I refuse to hinder her personality because I think she should dress a certain way. Yes there are things she needs to learn, like when a certain manner of dress is appropriate and when its not, but at the end of the day she needs to learn who she is and she is not going to do that by Mom telling her what to and what not wear. Am I really as introverted as I am or did I force myself to become introverted to keep that wall up? Sure there are aspects of my personality...of all our personalities that are natural to us, we call that nature, parts of us that are genetically part of us; or is is learned, nurture, parts of us that are based on how we were raised or our circumstances. This is what I need to find out. 

    So to make a long story short, and maybe this needs to a blog on its own and not just on my everything about life blog, but I am now on a mission to Find Me. Heck, maybe this is the book I have been looking to write! We shall see! In the meantime just know that I am learning who I am and what I want from this life....and it only took 40 years! 

Until the next Scribble....I hope you enjoy this as much as I am enjoying writing about it.